I’ve been with my husband for 5 & half years now. We been married nearly a year in December. I met him at a Home Office event. He was there representing the Army network and I was there representing the Police network. We are the total opposite to each other. Somehow it really works. We are like chalk and cheese. But we have music in common. Also our careers.
I always hate the words
“Do you know what you are getting into”
The answer to that is yes I do know what I was getting into when I got involved with an Army man. But I always say does he realise what he was getting into being married to a Police Lady. That usually shuts them up. Yes I do have a career.
A lot of people could not understand my job. The fact i do shifts i was told it wasn’t a job for females. Me being me well i proved people wrong even though I don’t really care what people say. Females are entitled to work and not live in a shadow behind their partners.
There are things that are hard being in the Police and Military world. So I jotted down a little bit from my own experience. But no matter what we find a way to make things work.
The first deployment is a shock to the system.
Whether it is short or long term. It doesn’t get easier I can tell you that. No time being away from your partner is easy. You do start to adapt too it. But it really isn’t easy. The no contact I can never get used too. Or not knowing if they are okay. You could be keeping yourself busy but its always on your mind. I sometimes listen to his songs so I can hear his voice. Just imagine being stuck in a field away from your loved ones.
The plans you make will change.
You’ll make a plan only to make a new plan over and over again. As we can’t always be reliable in our schedules. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened! I try to give as much notice as possible even my husband but things still go tits up. We have let many people down because of this
Taking random calls from each other at different times of the day will seem normal. Whether it’s because I am on shift or he’s away. I get calls at 1 am and he will get a call from me at 5 am. Our working hours are all over the place. I don’t think I ever call my husband at the right time of the day due to shifts.
There are long periods where we don’t speak for ages. For example, he had to go to Nepal and there was no reception at all. So for over 3 weeks we never spoke and I didn’t know if he was okay. He sent a postcard to me which arrived after he came back!
That blog I am releasing soon. My husband kept a diary of his experience too. The diary he kept was incredible. It was all hand written when he stopped and wrote down what was happening. Always he ended his diary with a thought of me. So at least I knew he was thinking of me. The time not speaking to him can be so hard. But it builds your foundation of a relationship up. The trust and love will continue to just grow. It does for me. I know it does for him. My husband is the more loving one. He taught me how to love myself. At times I just want to call him to tell him about my day. I know he really missed me too.
The times he will get promoted and where he has to move regiment and location.
This is one tough journey for anyone. When my husband was promoted previously he had to move to Inverness for over 7 months. We weren’t married then. But I saw him 3 times in that 7 months as I worked weekends and the travelling from Birmingham via a flight to Inverness was over £268 to travel. So he used to fly into Luton so we could see each other. This stint was really hard for us as a couple. We made a decision when we got married that we were to buy our house and that would be a base. So no matter what we had a real home to come back too. The work I do I needed a home location for my own routine. This has worked well so far. He has recently been promoted so he will be moving again. He will be living away for 4 days and back for 3 days so his routine will change and so will mine. I think we spend more time away than together.
Writing of his will
I remember when my Husband came in the kitchen and he said to me I need to do my will in case anything happens to me and I need to make sure you are taken care of. I know this is something he keeps updated but I can’t tell you how difficult it was when he had to talk about funeral arrangements. Army really look after their Soldiers. One thing about my husband is he always makes sure I am taken care of, he knows I can take care of myself but its nice to know how much he cares about me.
I am so thankful for my support bubble of friends and immediate family who make sure I am okay. The voice calls and video calls makes me really feel like there is some normality in my life. I live with my husband so I don’t with extended family and we have no children. My family actually live 1 hour 20 minutes away. With Co-Vid around its so hard to see the people who matter to you. I haven’t seen my cousin sisters since March. My grandparents I have barely seen. I find that my friends are amazing they check in with me so much random video calls. A true friendship support network is so important for anyone not just in my situation but to have people around you that truly care and don’t just check in for the sake of it. A random text really doesn’t cut it in my opinion. I am there for anyone who maybe struggling. Be there for your family and friends. I am the eldest in my family and I have been taught that you must be strong. But the strongest at times needs a bit of support too. I am not great at saying oh I need some support because its engrained in me to get on with it. To be honest I do and its made me who I am today
The missed family/friends events we both have lost out over the years
This comes with the job. We both knew this will happen. We both are mentally prepared for that. But others around us simply cannot understand what our job means and the hours/shifts we have to do. We both have missed out on a lot of things. For example I missed my dad’s surprise for my mum’s 60th I had to work and couldn’t get the day off I was there to celebrate in terms of a meal But I missed the second part of her birthday. I actually missed my brothers first year anniversary due to work. That is one of many!
The network you start making being an Army wife and the people who you hardly know will literally be your saviours. I have built a great network on Twitter and joined in spouse network chats which I love. We are all in different situations. But we can all be there for each other. Sometimes we can relate to what each other are going through. It is great to get advice from women who have done this for years as I am new to this. Also the other networks I have joined to empower women. This keeps me motivated.
The Police shifts are so random at times and we are ships that pass through the night. One thing I do miss at times is when my husband and I eating together. Or just watching a film. I work most weekends and he works Monday to Friday but goes away a lot too. So I don’t know which is worse. But when we do see each other we make the most of it. We try and plan quality time together. Please value each others time. Myself and my husband know how precious our time is because we never really get “quality time” we literally may have one day. So we have to decide what to do with that day. We have to also compromise he may have plans on that day when I am off or vice versa. So its all about balance.
Juggling your career and planning things can be such a nightmare.
For example, my husband and I changed our wedding date 3 times before actually getting married. Due, to my husband and his work and myself and my annual leave and other factors. I remember planning our wedding, working long hours and also moving house all at the same time was such a headache. I was also really poorly over that period for months. I sometimes ask myself how we even got married. There were times where I couldn’t even walk. I am so glad we both were determined to make sure we succeeded at that. But in time you will make a routine with each other and a plan to get stuff done. I can’t plan things in advance I do try so hard too. But it doesn’t always work. So guys if this happens with you, you are not alone!
Taking one for the team
If one of us cannot go somewhere. We both try and see which one of us can make it. For example a friend’s birthday one of us said we should go to represent. That’s what we have always done. One shouldn’t miss out if the other cannot be there because of work. I hate the term I can’t go if my husband or wife isn’t there. We both are not joint at the hip and we both need our own time. That makes our marriage work. Yes, its brilliant to go somewhere with my husband but at times its not possible. So why should one of us miss out? So my husband went to our friend’s party because I couldn’t go. Honestly all I can say don’t live in your partner’s shadow. Please find your own path too. I encourage my husband to see his friends and also go on his boys holidays. Life does not stop just because you are married. You can do things together and apart. My husband always encourages me go out and chill with my friends which I do. We all need our down time. For example, there are times where we both had a shitty day, we both say I need “Me Time” where we chill separately. Thats normal guys! This really helps us too. He doesn’t always like what I watch and vice versa! Again, we can’t be in each others pockets. The time we do have together honestly I really cannot complain. Its always special and valued because we don’t see each other a lot. People think just because we live together we see each other all the time. Not true!
When I work late which some of the shifts I do. My husband prepares the food. Or I prepare the food on my earlies. We have to plan a routine so we both make sure we eat and there is food in the fridge. We batch cook for the week so it is just so much easier. We do a food shop wherever there is time for one of us to go. When he knows he is going away. My husband will go out and make sure the fridge is stocked. All my favourite drinks are in there too. Honestly he thinks of everything and that makes me so happy we have a a good foundation. I know he worries when I am alone in the house and knowing he can’t be around if I needed him. But he knows the support I have. Im not a cooking fan either! He bakes great cakes guys!
It can be lonely at times with our jobs. Not that I am complaining as I love my job so does he. But what we found is to find a good network of friends. People who will be there and support you. I found that at recent times building these networks is so beneficial.
“Not Just a Army Wife” I make sure that really is echoed loud and clear. I have my own career and wouldn’t give that up. When you have worked so hard why give that up? For me, that’s saying your own achievements and life goals/dreams are not important. My husband told me from day one do not give up anything as I never want you to resent me. I never would but it was nice to know that I am supported by him. When he got promoted I had messages from people saying “Are you not relocating with him” My initial response was no because I career and a great one in Forensics. I find it so baffling that people assume you should follow your partner. I love my husband very much I am very lucky that I found someone who is understanding, and really does not want me to be moving around. My parents worked hard for me to have a good education so I want to make sure I fulfil that and do what makes me happy! For the partners who do move around with their partners I also salute you, it really isn’t easy. Its just something I couldn’t do unless I am retired from work and thats a long way off!
We both have hobbies to keep our minds sane. I started this blog at the end of 2017 where I write stories on personal journeys of inspiring individuals. I do charity work. I volunteer at my local hospital and I have for a while now. My husband he sings and has released 3 singles so far. He does Bhangra and very much into his fitness. I go running that helps me also. I support him in anything he wants to do whether its work or creatively. These hobbies really keep us grounded. Support each others dreams and goals. Work life isn’t everything. You still need to reach other goals that you have set yourself. I know I have goals that I am trying to do. So does he! Encourage each other. Be focused. I literally cannot be with him 24/7 I know he would say the same. But the time we have together is brilliant and when is away I really appreciate him a lot more. I appreciate the marriage. The values we have as a couple. The love and respect we have for each other. I hope in the future our love continues to grow.
These have been my own thoughts through my journey.
Hope you have enjoyed reading a bit about us.